


Dizzy

by hinamii



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: ????kinda????like he beats himself up a lot poor baby, ADD/ADHD, Anxiety, Completed, Cute notes, Dorks in Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, add, cute friends being cute and happy, hide is a real angel, hide is so accepting i love hide, kaneki being oblivious, mostly - Freeform, probably, references to cannibalism obviously, self hate, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4983043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hinamii/pseuds/hinamii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>basically what if Kaneki had add</p><p>featuring hide as the best friend ever and ms asaoka as the worst parental figure ever</p><p>this is pretty much a vent fic bc i have add and i have never ONCE seen it portrayed correctly in literature so i wrote this????idk if it works well feel free to throw tomatoes i tried</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Daydream Nights, Fuzzy Mornings

**Author's Note:**

> this is more or less how my bad mornings go bc my meds only last like 10 hours and when i wake up my mind dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki just fuckin can't. Hide helps. We all need a Hide.

Kaneki rubbed his temples tiredly, certain he'd never been more exhausted by anything.

With his sophomore year in high school came a veritable mountain of work. He didn't at all mind learning, and he even enjoyed doing his literature homework, but the other subjects were grating and difficult for him to focus on completing. It wasn't that he didn't care about grades-not in the least. It was the endless homework and projects. Something about them exhausted him mentally, and it was getting more and more difficult for Kaneki to force himself to complete everything.

He stared down at the textbook and notebook paper, as he'd been doing for at least the past two hours. He had 21 more problems to do.

 _You've already done 39,_ something in his mind purred. _You deserve a little break..._

Too tired to resist the impulse, Kaneki set down his pencil, glancing at his digital clock. 11:43 PM. He could read until midnight and then finish his work, he decided.

He opened the mystery novel and became absorbed as quickly as if he'd never stopped reading.

 

In Kaneki's mind, no time had passed between when he began to read and when he was jolted awake by the irritating buzz of his alarm clock.

His head felt fuzzy, like it was stuffed full with cotton balls. Disbelievingly, he looked down at the drool-stained novel and the textbook underneath. Just as he'd left it, the homework was a little more than half complete.

_Shit. Shit, I'm such an idiot...!_

Insulting and berating himself for falling asleep, Kaneki haphazardly stuffed the textbook and paper into his disorganized backpack, telling himself he'd have the time to finish it later. He drowsily went about his morning routine, making as little noise as possible so as not to disturb his aunt, who was lurking in the kitchen, ready to find anything wrong with the way Kaneki carried himself and pick him to pieces.

Despite his anxiety, he somehow managed to waste fifteen minutes in the shower staring into empty space, the dizzy cloudiness in his head occupying all the space available.

Kaneki clumsily stepped out of the shower, his unwashed hair dripping on the floor, and lamented to himself, _God, I'm such an idiot, I'm gonna be late...I'm so goddamn stupid...what was I thinking?_

Deciding that he'd rather be on time and starve than eat breakfast and be late, Kaneki tugged on a jacket that was far too light for the weather, grabbed his backpack, and quickly left, his heart pounding at the sound of ominous footsteps leaving the kitchen and moving in his direction.

He slammed the door behind him. A second later, it clicked.

_What..._

He caught the cold glare of his aunt's eyes through the glass on the side of the front door, and turned away quickly, his heart hammering. 

Guessing he'd narrowly avoided being yelled at, his mind whirled with the endless possibilities of what he'd fucked up this time. The heavy, tangled beginnings of panic settled into Kaneki's chest, and his brain was so occupied with trying to figure out what he'd forgotten or messed up that he lacked the mental energy to make his feet move.

A figure with a yellow jacket entered his field of vison, and all at once his mind flooded with forgotten information.

_Right, Hide wanted to walk with me today. There's something else, though...what did I..._

"Yo, Kaneki! Got that magazine I lent you?"

_Fuck. Shit, I knew there was something...why am I such an idiot...?_

He tugged at the doorknob. It wouldn't budge. _Of course. The clicking sound. She locked it..._

Even as he spoke, he continued to beat himself up. He was starting to become unsure how many of the insults were a product of his own mind; some thoughts seemed to originate from a different place entirely. He dropped his gaze to his feet.

"I, um." His throat felt leaden, heavy and thick. "I'm sorry, the door's locked, I forgot it..."

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

_Shut up._

Great, now he was talking to himself. He'd hit some sort of new low. His eyes dropped lower, making him seem incredibly interested in a particular ball of lint on his shirt.

"Aah, that's no problem! I already read it anyway. Just give it back whenever. No pressure, man."

There wasn't even the slightest hint of anger or disappointment in Hide's tone. Confusing.

"...What? I....forgot it," Kaneki mumbled lamely.

He could almost hear the reassuring smile in his friend's voice. "It's no big deal, Kaneki! Everyone forgets stuff."

"Yeah, but this is-what, the third? Fourth time? I keep forgetting it over and over, and it's not normal, and I-"

Hide placed a hand on Kaneki's shoulder, a lot closer than the raven-haired boy remembered him standing a second ago. "Are you literally trying to convince me to be mad at you? 'Cause it's not gonna work."

"Hide-" Kaneki couldn't keep an edge of frustration out of his tone. "I'm a bad friend, okay? I'm a bad friend. A good friend would've remembered something as little and stupid as this. I'm such a..." He trailed off, his mind continuing the sentence for him. _Dumbass. Piece of work. Burden._

"Kaneki, hey." Hide took the dark-haired boy's chin in his hand and guided his gaze upward, a gesture that felt surprisingly tender and reassuring. Kaneki managed to meet the pair of brown eyes, biting his lip to disguise the tears threatening to surface.

"You're not a bad friend, okay? A bad friend wouldn't get so worked up about whether or not he did something for me. A bad friend wouldn't care. Clearly, you do care. A lot. Possibly too much." Anticipating Kaneki's reaction, he cut the gray-eyed boy off before a single word left his mouth. "Don't be sorry. That's a good thing."

A wobbly smile took to Kaneki's lips, the clouds in his head clearing the slightest bit. "There we go!" exclaimed Hide, with a grin that positively dwarfed Kaneki's tiny quirk of the lips in its brilliance.

"If you say so."

Hide lightly swatted the smaller boy's arm. "We gotta get going or we're gonna be late, space case."

"...Shut up."


	2. A Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki remembers the things he'd forgotten to do earlier but neither of them end up mattering because Hide is a living, breathing angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot twist: Hide is Also
> 
> so sorry for any mistakes here I wrote this in like 3 hours and it's late and they are so gay and too cute for their own good and hide is an angel walking the earth

As soon as Kaneki stepped into the cafeteria, he could already see Hide frantically waving at him and enthusiastically patting the seat besides him. 

Sighing, he dropped his backpack on the table, loose papers tumbling out. "Thanks for saving a spot, Hide, but it's not like anyone's tripping over themselves wanting to sit with me. I'm gonna, um." Embarrassed at his continued forgetful streak, he cleared his throat and averted his eyes before speaking. "I'm gonna go get my book from my locker...I left it there."

Hide gave a dramatic sigh, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. "Because surely you'd _die_ if you were forced to talk to your best friend instead of shoving your nose in a book."

Cheeks dusted with pink, Kaneki's voice lowered in volume meekly. "Sorry. I, um-"

"Kidding!" Hide gave the smaller boy an affectionate whack on the arm. "Knock yourself out, bookworm."

Kaneki rubbed his forearm, wincing. "Maybe I will."

Returning with the novel under his arm a few minutes later, the raven-haired boy was confused at the sight of Hide already packing up his bag. He took the seat next to the golden-haired boy, a little miffed. "So now that I'm back, you're leaving?"

"Sorry, 'neki," Hide grimaced, nervously scratching his freckled cheek, sounding genuinely apologetic. "I gotta make up some stuff from Asian History from when I missed class last week because I found that stray dog."

"I honestly don't think that's actually a thing that really happened, Hide."

"Even if it isn't-" Hide tugged his backpack on, shoving some papers on the table into the outer pocket and grabbing a textbook sitting on the table, "-the makeup work is real." 

He gave a small salute. "Be back before lunch is over, I swear."

Kaneki watched his friend for several seconds in a daze before turning his attention to the novel in his hands. He tried his best to pay attention to the detective protagonist's final deductions, but found himself reading the same paragraph over and over, never fully comprehending. When he tried moving to the next page, he found he had no idea what was going on at all. 

Placing the book on the table and holding it in place with his elbows, he pressed his hands over his ears, the cloudy fog returning to his mind.

_Why is it so loud in here? I just want to read..._

_Because they're eating lunch, dumbass. In the lunchroom. Like you should be doing. Right now._

Kaneki stifled a groan. His critical inner voice was back after having left him alone for most of the beginning of the school day.

Dog-earing the novel, Kaneki unzipped his backpack and reached for the lunch he'd packed yesterday.

Except it wasn't there.

He dug frantically through his loose papers and books, as if the mere desire for his lunch would make it appear.

_Stupid, stupid, I'm so stupid...! How could I forget something as dumb as that? I'm so, so, so fucking..._

He couldn't even think of an appropriately scathing insult to criticize himself with. Feeling like a failure, he buried his head in the pages of his book. The noisy lunchroom faded to dull white noise. He didn't feel like reading. Or eating. Or doing anything, really. Or even thinking about doing anything.

Kaneki wasn't sure if he'd fallen asleep or simply lost track of time, but at some point during his stupor, he jumped up, startled. Hide had flicked the back of his head, and he rubbed it tiredly.

"Morning, sleeping beauty!"

"I wasn't asleep! I was..." Kaneki trailed off, unsure of what to call his brief break from reality. He couldn't describe it. Hide would think he was weird. 

At a loss for words, Kaneki lamely finished, "...Resting."

"Right." Hide rolled his eyes and sat down next to his friend, pulling out a paper bag. "You gonna eat?"

_Shit. God, I can't tell him I forgot it! That's, like, the fifteenth time this week I've forgotten something like that at home, and it's, what, Wednesday? He'll think I'm...I don't know. An idiot._

_But I am an idiot!_

_He doesn't need to fucking know that!_

_I'm so, I'm so awful, I hate this, this is-_

Kaneki was jolted out of his argument with himself by Hide's hand, lightly shaking his shoulder. "Kaneki. Kaneki! Are you okay?"

He kicked himself for already having forgotten whatever question it was that Hide had asked that triggered his internal conversation.

"W....what?"

"You left Earth for a second there. I asked if you were gonna eat any lunch."

"Um." Kaneki touched his hand to his chin. "I'm not very hungry. I'm saving it." As soon as the last word left his mouth, his stomach growled audibly.

He cursed himself and his stupid fast metabolism and his stupid empty stomach.

"Kaneki..." There was a deep sense of gentleness in Hide's eyes. "You forgot it, didn't you?"

The gray-eyed boy nodded mutely, avoiding Hide's gaze, not trusting his mouth to create coherent, non-self-berating sentences.

"No big deal!" Hide thrust a paper bag into Kaneki's hands. "You can have mine."

"Oh..." His chest was aching. He didn't deserve this. "No. I can't accept this. It's yours, and you need to eat for, like, energy and nutrition and stuff..."

"Look who's talking." Out of the corner of his eye, Kaneki caught a glimpse of Hide's signature megawatt smile. "I'll get something from a vending machine or whatever. You need it more than I do." 

Kaneki shook his head adamantly, pushing the bag back into Hide's hands. "No, I don't. I don't deserve this. It's my fault I forgot it at-"

"Please stop talking," Hide interrupted. "Just take it. Literally nothing you do will make me hate you or be mad at you or whatever it is you're afraid of, so please stop trying to convince me that you're not the best thing ever." 

He looped an arm over Kaneki's shoulders, scanning for signs of discomfort. Finding none, he continued, "Because you are. You're the greatest thing to happen to me in these five soul-crushing years of boredom jail, AKA the public school system." He gestured to the air in front of him, as if the five years they'd known each other were somehow visible.

"So please stop beating yourself up over stuff that doesn't matter, okay? For me?" Hide made his best puppy-dog eyes at Kaneki, hoping he hadn't overstepped a line; his friend tended to run away from anything involving his own emotions.

The only thought that Kaneki could form at the moment was _Did he just say AKA out loud?_ , but he managed to string together enough words to create a response. "Okay. I, um. Okay. If it matters so much to you..."

_Smooth, dumbass._

Even after Kaneki's awkward, clunky, and probably insufficient response, Hide broke into a grin.

"Good to hear. Now eat up." He pushed the bag back into Kaneki's hands, and this time, reluctantly, he opened it.

 

Kaneki pulled out of the relentless stream of post-lunch hallway traffic, leaning against a wall and pressing his hands to his ears so he could think.

 _My next class, what's...it's geometry. Where is it? It's, it's...upstairs, somewhere. The left wing..._ He began walking towards where he guessed his classroom was, feeling ridiculous for being probably the only student who didn't know all their courses and locations like the back of their hand by now, mid- _November_.

He'd correctly guessed the location of his geometry classroom, and dropped tiredly into his seat, rubbing his temples in a weak attempt to clear his fuzzy mind.

"If you all will place your homework on your desk so I can check it...?"

 _Shit._ His heart dropped to his stomach. His lungs retreated into themselves. 

_I fucking forgot to finish the stupid fucking homework. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, I'm a lost fucking cause..._

He remembered his earlier conversation with Hide and barely managed to restrain himself from using harsher names.

His chest thrumming with anxiety, Kaneki dug in his backpack for the paper, hoping he'd at least get partial credit. He found it and pulled it out, and-

_..._

_What?_

Every problem was completed. A large purple sticky note was attached to the notebook paper.

_Great. I'm really losing it. I'm hallucinating. As soon as I blink, we'll be back to reality and I'll still be a failure..._

He blinked rapidly. Rubbed his eyes. Blinked harder.

The piece of paper stubbornly continued to exist.

He pulled off the sticky note, and, as an afterthought, dazedly passed the homework to the girl in front of him to turn it in, as everyone else had done about fifteen seconds ago.

The note was in Hide's messy, slanted handwriting.

Kaneki's eyes scanned the words in utter disbelief.

_hey bud sorry i lied to u ´д` ; i didnt rly have makeup work i saw this page fall out of ur backpack with the book u got and i was like!!hey i had that assigned two days ago! and since were in opposite blocks i guessed u had it due today and i kno how important grades and stuff are to u so i finished it for u ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ prolly shoulda told u but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ at least its done and u dont have to worry friend_

He fought the impulse to curl up on the ground and cry happy tears. _I don't deserve someone as amazing as him._

Rereading it in an attempt to burn the words into his mind, not paying any attention to the teacher, who was beginning class, he noticed a small ' _over_ ' in the bottom left corner. He flipped the sticky note to the opposite side, which was stuffed completely with tiny handwriting and the occasional emoji. Wondering to himself why and how Hide wrote emojis on paper, he began to read.

_sorry this might be a lil intrusive but I think I know what ur going through? u can correct me/punch me if im wrong lmao but i thought of some stuff that might make finishing work a lil easier on ur poor tired brain d(^_^o) hopefully u can read my tiny horrible handwriting_

Kaneki seriously doubted that Hide knew what was wrong with him-he didn't even know himself-but he continued reading the note, now a bulleted list.

_•try doing work for 20 minutes and then doing something that gives u a break for 10 mins! i usually just take a nap but i guess u would read (｀_´)ゞ_  
_•if u have an alarm clock or kitchen timer it is ur friend. keeping track of time is one more thing u have to think about so do what everyone else does and make a machine do it for u!_  
_•dont work for too long in one sitting. every hour or so get up, stretch, get some water, and get a lil snack or use the bathroom if u need to. listen to ur body if its like 'i aint havin that' then give urself a lil break ok_  
_•try to think ahead! instead of focusing too much on all the stuff u have to do and stressing urself out, think abt how happy u will be when u are done. that at least motivates me ε-(´∀｀; ) everyone's reason is different tho so if u ever need a dank meme or a cheesy motivational picture of a cat hangin off a branch u have my number_  
_•write stuff down!! yes it is incredibly annoying and seems repetitive sometimes but it is so nice to not have to remember seven classes worth of hw on top of everything else!! trust me 1AM u will thank 1PM u (for example! this note is written down so u can look at it whenever u need to and not have to worry about remembering everything!)_  
_•if u get a big project breaking it into smaller parts will make it a lot less intimidating and a lot more doable (^_−)−☆_  
_•if u start to feel super fuzzy and out of it it helps to get out of noisy areas. covering ur eyes and snapping ur fingers near ur ear a few times can sometimes work but not always. and i 100% understand if u cant talk bc ur brain is like whoa too many things!!happening!!at once!!_  
_•listening to music can help u focus and sometimes even motivate u to get stuff done! it like occupies the audio part of ur brain so it doesn't wander if that makes sense_  
_•squeezing a stress ball will also help! i have a few if u want one d(￣ ￣)_  
_•if u forget smth it really is not a big deal at all ok friend please please don't beat urself up over it i kno i said this already but i just / _ ; dont want u to be sad over stuff that isnt ur fault ok i promis i will never be mad at u if that happens!! i know that feel bro_  
_•n finally! if u ever need help or feel like u cant work at ur house u can 100% absolutely come over and talk to me whenever u want and we will think of a thing of some sort!probably!!i will help u!!!!!_

Kaneki needed a moment. Several moments. Probably a whole day.

He buried his face in his hands, trying his best to hide his shy, embarrassed smile and the blush quickly overtaking his face. Somehow, Hide understood exactly how Kaneki felt, and didn't think he was weird or stupid or annoying or a terrible friend. He'd offered advice and consolation and tips he actually thought might work. And he'd invited Kaneki over for help whenever he needed it.

_What did I ever do to deserve someone like Hide...?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then kaneki gave hide the biggest hug ever recorded in human history
> 
> i hc hide as a 100% dog person bc he is essentially a living golden retriever fite me
> 
> i want a hide friend....,,,,,
> 
> all of hide's note is 100% excellent advice and will probably work hopefully this helps a few people bc not everyone is friends with The Literal Sun


	3. Reassuring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Kaneki's accident, he just can't figure out what's wrong with him. Hide, as always, is utterly flawless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is TvT im, kinda proud of this for once aa
> 
> tbh how tokyo ghoul should have gone

The walk back to his apartment was like dragging a dead body.

Kaneki softly shut the door behind him and slid down it on his back until he was crouched on the floor.

_What's happening to me...._

It had been more than two weeks since his... _incident_...with Rize, and Kaneki was still thoroughly shaken. He sighed tiredly, burying his face in his hands in humiliation.

After he'd been released from the hospital, Kaneki didn't feel like doing much but going home and collapsing in his bed for a few days and forgetting most of the world existed. And he was planning on doing just that, until he received a text from Hide. An invitation to have lunch at Big Girl.

Kaneki felt obligated to accept, though social interaction was pretty much the exact opposite of his Saturday plans. He felt bad for not texting Hide at all while he was recovering from the surgery, and the food at the hospital was disgusting anyway, so in the end he reluctantly accepted his friend's invitation.

_And, being the completely inept wreck I am, I threw up all over the fucking table._

The hamburgers, easily his favorite food, had such a repulsive texture and smell that his stomach revolted almost immediately and his meal went back out the way it came in.

He'd been so paralyzingly embarrassed after he stopped gagging that, on panicky impulse, he had jumped up from the table and darted out of the restaurant, hiding his face with both hands, his eyes brimming with tears.

Kaneki cringed at the memory. His embarrassment was just beginning to fade, but as the humiliation receded, panic crept into his chest in replacement.

_Hide must be ...God, I'm so-and he had to pay for it. I'm such a...I'm so stupid... Why don't I think these things through? He probably hates me now..._

The logical part of his brain told him _of course Hide doesn't hate me, we've been friends for years..._

Unfortunately for Kaneki, the logical part of his brain was by no definition of the word the largest.

_I'm such a...socially inept piece of shit...I'm disgusting...what's wrong with me...what the hell is wrong with me... I'm worthless..._

With trembling fingers, he pulled out one of the many folded purple notes he kept in his pockets.

Ever since that day in tenth grade, Hide had taken up the habit of writing helpful, informative notes for his friend. He had notes for dealing with exams, grief, harassment and bullying, and the original note for managing his ADD (Kaneki had googled his symptoms a few days afterward on Hide's recommendation, and was so happy to find out that the way he was had a name, he'd actually cried). If that hadn't already been enough, he also had notes with tips for self-care, studying, and social situations.

The particular note he was now shakily unfolding was for help with anxiety and panic attacks. 

Kaneki had looked at it so many times during the past two weeks that he had parts of it memorized.

His chest rising and falling rapidly, he read the first bullet point, mouthing the words to ground himself in reality.

_•breathe. focus on your breathing. slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth. it's okay. you will be okay._

Kaneki took gulps of air, breath coming rapidly at first, then very gradually slowing. It took him about ten minutes to bring his breathing to a somewhat normal rate.

He'd figure out what was wrong with him tomorrow. For now, he decided that he was alright.

_•if u want/need to talk to anyone ever i am ALWAYS available idc if it's 3am buzz buzz im here for u friend_

Kaneki shut his eyes for a moment. No, texting Hide was absolutely out of the equation. There was just no way he could face him right now.

_I'll try again tomorrow._

As he folded up and put away the note, an incredibly heavy sense of exhaustion, fuzziness, and dizziness settled into his head, replacing the fading panic. He groaned softly, swaying where he sat.

_Stupid brain...can't you just be empty for once so I can function...?_

He dragged himself to his feet and plodded into his bedroom, swaying dizzily, dropping face-first onto his bed. He'd left the TV on when he'd left the house-he silently cursed himself for being so careless-but it pretty much just sounded to him like white noise.

Then, he picked up a word. 'Ghoul'.

 _Ghoul. Ghoul. Ghoul._ He hated that word. That was the opposite of what he needed to hear right now.

He fumbled for the remote, and managed to turn it off through the fog in his mind, then collapsed again onto his bed, enjoying, if nothing else, the quiet.

He'd just begun to succumb to sleep when he felt his pocket vibrate. Blinking sleepily, Kaneki sat up and dug in his pocket for his phone, flipping it open.

A text from Hide. Of course.

_hey buddy are you doing ok?? ( T_T)＼(^-^ )_

Kaneki smiled weakly. If he was being honest with himself, he felt like bawling his eyes out for several hours before dropping into a two-day coma, but Hide didn't have to know that.

Bleary-eyed, exhausted, dizzy, and with shaky fingers, Kaneki managed to type a mostly coherent response.

_Im' doingalrigh t .I guses_

Not exactly the reassuring text he was going for, but he didn't have the mental energy to rewrite it. He figured that would have to do and pressed send.

Almost immediately, he received a response.

_mr. perfect impeccable grammar is making typos??? are you literally in the process of a slow and painful death rn????_

_I dont'know, to b e honest.,_

_neki please....are you doing alright should i come over_

_tOmorrow. Is'mso tire,d_

_understood (｀_´)ゞ get some rest ok? coffee tomorrow morning?_

_okaysure ._

Kaneki set the phone to the side. His head felt like it was full of stuffing. He was done talking.

Sinking into bed, too dizzy and disoriented to change out of his street clothes, he slept like a dead man.

 

Checking his phone, Kaneki slid into his and Hide's usual table. He nervously tapped his fingers against the surface, hoping he hadn't read the time wrong.

Hide had waited two hours to make sure that Kaneki was asleep enough to not be awoken by a vibrating phone before sending him details about their meeting, the specific time and location, information Kaneki surely wouldn't have processed correctly if he'd read it in his state of exhaustion yesterday.

It was the little things, the small considerations that Hide took for him, that made him wonder how someone like him deserved a friend like Hide.

The little bell on the door chimed and Hide strolled into the crowded café, headphones on, chin bobbing to the beat. As soon as he'd spotted Kaneki, however, he tugged them off his head and allowed them to rest around his neck, giving his friend a smile that lit the room and easily slipping into his usual chair.

 _Oh, god._ Kaneki averted his eyes, red creeping into his cheeks. He hadn't thought this through. How could he face Hide after what he'd done yesterday?

"I'm sorry-"

It took Kaneki a moment to realize that he'd spoken in unison with his friend. Bewildered, he protested, "Hide, what could you possibly have to be sorry for? I'm the one who-"

The golden-haired boy sighed slightly. "I probably pushed you too hard too soon after you got out." Scratching the back of his neck sheepishly, he gave Kaneki an apologetic smile. "I'm guessing that you wanted some space, but I invited you out just because I missed you. I should've waited for you to ask. It's not your fault at all. Honestly, I'd do the same thing if I'd spent weeks eating gross hospital food alone and then got tossed back into society without any warning!"

Kaneki's chest ached. _He's too nice._ He opened his mouth to speak, but the waitress from the last time he'd been to the café stepped over to take their orders.

"A latte and ham sandwich, please!" The look in Hide's eyes screamed _horrible pickup line incoming_ , and Kaneki gave his friend a warning glare. He mused to himself that Touka-chan certainly _was_ cute, but he felt like he was done with dating girls for a year at least. No, two years. Probably longer.

Touka cleared her throat. "Sir. Your order."

"S...sorry." He'd spaced out again. Mentally kicking himself, he stuttered, "Um..." 

What was he going to order? He wasn't hungry at all, and he didn't want a repeat of what happened at Big Girl. Deciding to play it safe and stick with what he knew he could keep down, Kaneki mumbled, "Just...just a water. P-please."

She nodded once, scribbling their orders, briefly meeting Kaneki's eyes. He thought he detected notes of surprise and apprehension in her expression, but quickly brushed it off. Hide was the person who was good at reading expressions, not him.

Once Touka had hurried off, Hide tilted his head in concern. "You don't want anything to eat?"

Shaking his head, Kaneki mumbled, "I haven't been hungry in...in...for a long time."

"Not hungry? Like, at all?"

Kaneki shook his head. "Not at all. I mean, not since the attack. The hospital food was really gross, anyway, so it's okay..."

Hide snapped to full attention. "Am I going crazy, or did you just say _attack?_ "

"Yeah...?" Kaneki's brow furrowed in confusion. "Didn't I tell you?"

"Tell me what?" 

"S-she...Rize-san was a ghoul, Hide."

Anxiously, Kaneki watched this information sink into Hide, his face falling and then dropping into his hands, his fingers tangling into his fluffy hair.

"Kaneki..." His fingers pulled harder at his hair. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry..."

Feeling terrible for upsetting his cheerful friend, he tentatively reached a hand across the table to place on his shoulder. Hide looked up; it was unusual for Kaneki to initiate physical contact.

"Don't be sorry, I'm probably fine now...!" He gave his best attempt at a smile, but despite Kaneki's best efforts, it came out looking forced.

"Probably," Hide scoffed to himself. "I knew something seemed off about her, I should've just..." He sighed, straightening. "And now you're hurt."

"Hide, please. It's not your fault..."

The taller boy leaned back in his chair. "Whatever you say. But we should probably try to figure out why you're-"

Touka stepped over to the table, balancing a tray on her hand. She set the food in front of them, bowed slightly, and left without a word.

"Hm." Hide gazed after her. "The strong, silent type."

For whatever reason, this bothered Kaneki, and he swatted his friend on the arm. "Don't be creepy. You barely know her."

Leaning back in his chair, Hide took a big bite of his sandwich.

The smell alone made Kaneki sick to his stomach.

"Anyway." He swallowed, meeting Kaneki's eyes. "I think we should try to figure out what's wrong. Have you noticed anything other than not being hungry?"

Kaneki pondered this question for a moment, gazing into space. A minute later, he realized that he wasn't actually thinking about what to say, just absently staring at the wall. He straightened, snapping out of it, and opened his mouth. Then closed it. 

"Um." 

He had to think for at least another minute to compile everything he'd felt, but Hide waited without complaint, patiently chewing his sandwich.

"Food-like, all of it-smells and tastes really bad. Like, it makes me want to gag, bad."

"Even this?" Hide raised the nearly completely eaten sandwich.

Kaneki wrinkled his nose. "Even that." He sighed, taking a sip of his water. "Now that I think about it...the nurse at the hospital tasted the food and said it was fine...I guess it's just me. And my head hurts a lot, like, more than normal...Also, my...like...abdomen, stomach, whatever, hurts a little. Is that even where your kidneys are? I never really thought about it before," Kaneki rambled.

Hide's wide eyes were fixated on the cup between his hands, his mind connecting the dots and drawing a conclusion.

He'd formulated a theory, but restrained himself from voicing it yet; he wasn't quite certain of it and he didn't want to unnecessarily upset Kaneki.

He spoke slowly and evenly, trying to keep himself and his friend calm.

"Did you watch the news yesterday? The interview with that researcher?"

"Yeah. Well," Kaneki corrected himself, "not really. It was on, but I didn't really pay any attention. And when I heard that it was about ghouls I turned it off...I didn't feel like I could...um..."

Hide nodded in understanding. "Yeah, I get it. It, uh..." He paused for a second, unsure how to phrase his theory.

"It was talking about why ghouls can't just eat regular food. Apparently, their tongues are structured differently, so human food tastes horrible to them."

"Hm." Kaneki sipped his water, no recognition on his face. "Weird."

"And Rize was a ghoul..."

Still no response, no change in expression.

"And-" Hide's voice faltered slightly. "You got organs from her in your organ transplant..."

Oh. Oh. _Oh._

_Oh, god._

If Hide was scared or angry or disgusted, he didn't show it. _But he...he must be....I'm...I'm a...!_

"I think..." There was no gentle or easy way to put it. Hide made his expression as calm as possible.

"I think you might be a ghoul now."

Kaneki had covered his face with his hands, incomprehensible, panicked murmurs falling from his lips. It was too much. This was too much. Blood was rushing to his head and his vision was blurring and his lungs wouldn't expand and he was a _monster, a horrifying, awful monster-_

He stood quickly, still covering his face, his one visible eye darting around in panic.

"E-e-excuse me, I-I...!" Kaneki sped towards the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him.

Sinking to the floor, he buried his face in his sleeve, quickly dampening with tears. Pathetic sobs burbled from his throat. There was no way Hide would talk to him ever again.

_If I wasn't so stupid...If I wasn't so fucking careless and ignorant and awful...Hide wouldn't have had to been dragged into this mess...god, oh, god, I'm a monster, I'm disgusting, I can't, I can't do this it's too much this is too much-_

A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. It took Kaneki a full thirty seconds to determine what a normal-sounding response would be. 

"S-someone's i-i-in here," sniffled Kaneki, his throat thick with sobs.

"Ken?" Another light tap. "Can I come in?" 

Hide's voice was... _gentle? He's not-he isn't...?_

"L-leave me alone, Hide, _please_. Y-you shouldn't be around me, I'm, I'll-"

"Kaneki." A light, airy laugh, almost carefree in spite of the circumstances. "It's not a big deal at all. Please let me in, okay? I have some stuff I want you to know."

Reluctantly, shakily, Kaneki reached up and unlocked the door before reassuming his curled-up position against the wall.

His friend opened the door quietly, a gentle smile gracing his features, without a trace of disgust or fear or anger or _anything_ Kaneki thought-no, was _certain_ Hide must have felt towards him.

He locked the door behind him and sat, cross-legged, sighing softly.

"Kaneki, it's really okay. What kind of friend would I be to abandon you when you needed it the most?"

"I-but, Hide, I'm-"

A warm hand found the trembling, sobbing boy's, gently squeezing it.

"We'll get through this together, okay? We'll figure something out, I promise. I won't abandon you." His smile carried the soft, warming glow of a fireplace in the dead of winter.

"I...I don't understand, Hide-" Kaneki sniffled, rubbing his eyes on his damp sleeve. "How...why aren't you terrified of me? Don't you understand? I'm a monster, I have to eat _people_ now, Hide, l-living human beings...! It's, I'm so fucked up..."

Hide's hand squeezed his again, reassuringly. "Kaneki, you're not a monster. You didn't ask to be like this and it's not your fault at all. We can figure out a way for you to be able to eat without having to resort to, um, drastic measures, okay? Suicide victims, maybe..." he mused, trailing off thoughtfully.

Kaneki didn't understand how he could be so casual about all of this. Eating _people-_ he couldn't, it was _wrong-_

"I don't-" He gulped in air, just now remembering to breathe. "Why aren't you scared of me, Hide?"

"Because, Kaneki. You're still _you_." He found the dark-haired boy's free hand. "You're still my best friend. You're still the person who cries over books, and pets every stray cat he sees, and could stare at the stars for hours and not ever get bored." 

His brown eyes were bright, dancing with affection. "You're still _Kaneki Ken_. The person who can remember the entire plot of a seven-novel series but not where he left his coffee. The person who smells like fabric softener and paper and ink, the person who holds the door open for everyone he sees, the person who's kind and polite and spacey and interesting and sweet and incredible."

A soft intake of breath. "You're still the person I fell in love with."

Hide's ears and nose turned pink, and he opened his mouth, but a second later closed it. The words already hung in the air between them-there was no revoking them.

Kaneki felt the blush start in his chest and willed it to stay there.

It didn't work. His cheeks felt like they were on fire.

Neither boy released their grip on the other's hand.

"Hide-you-" Kaneki hadn't fully comprehended his words yet.

"You mean that...you're...i-in love? With me...?"

Hide averted his eyes, pink spreading to his cheeks. "Um. I, yeah."

The smaller boy lowered his gaze, fighting the impulse to flutter his fingers in excitement. "Even...now? Now that I'm like this?"

He gave a silent nod.

"Then I think-" Gathering his courage, he took a deep breath. "-if that's true, I... I love you too, Hide."

The golden-haired boy's eyes widened in surprise, then softened as he removed his hands from Kaneki's to bashfully hide his face. Muffled by his hands, Hide asked hesitantly, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Y-yeah. For a long time, I think, but I'm only just now-I don't know, I didn't think-it didn't occur to me that what I felt was actually-" Kaneki cut himself off with a huff of breath, a tiny smile taking to his lips. His hands, no longer encumbered by Hide's, fluttered happily. "...I'm talking too much..."

 _Cute._ Every expression, every little gesture and sound that Kaneki made was so irresistibly adorable to Hide, and the fact that the coal-haired boy had no idea how endearing he was only added to how much he wanted to protect him and hug him and never let go.

"So, we, um, we're...dating now....?"

Hide looked up, grinning brightly. "I guess so. That means now I can do this-" He planted his lips on Kaneki's for just a moment, the pressure fleeting and soft.

"Weird place for a first kiss, huh?" laughed Hide.

Kaneki felt like he was going to burst into flames. A sound fell out of his throat; not so much a word as a vocalization of absolute happiness. He covered his mouth with both hands, somehow blushing redder.

"You're adorable, you dork. Come here." He opened his arms, and Kaneki willingly crawled into them, leaning his head against Hide's chest and hiding his face in the fabric of his jacket.

"At least one good thing came out of this whole mess...." Kaneki's voice was muffled, and came out higher-pitched than he'd meant it to. "I mean-"

"We'll figure it out, Kaneki." Fingers ran through his hair gently, and the smaller boy felt Hide plant a kiss on his head.

"It'll be okay. We'll figure this out together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Touka is lowkey making out w/ yoriko right after her shift and has no time for these two dorks' bs
> 
> this will be the final chapter unless i get another idea or one of u thinks of something qvq

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry ahahaha
> 
> im taking fic requests/prompts now if you for whatever reason want a piece of trash for ur very own


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